Sports Wednesday

Hard to believe Rafael Nadal was crushed in straight sets on clay today. I used to love watching his raw, protruding forehead and beautiful deltoids as he slid around the red dirt with strength and precision. Not today though. If I were in France, I would’ve rooted for him over the number one ranked Serbian robot that is Novak Djokovic.

FIFA is changing hands, the Mr. Burns of world football Sepp Blatter is no longer running one of the weirdest and most powerful organizations in the world. Football may never be the same again. At least we hope.

Golden State and Cleveland in the Finals? What planet is this? I like it.

Stanley Cup starts tonight as the Chicago Blackhawks take on the Tampa Bay Lightning. I’m hoping that everyone outside that amazing state of Florida is wanting one of the Original Six to win it all. Again.

Baseball is in the depths of its long, long, long season. We’ll catch up in the fall.

But in the fall we’ll likely be talking about Amercian football.

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Ramble. On.

The math involved with figuring out what size to buy my Levi’s 501 Shrink-to-Fit jeans escapes me with a huge laugh.

The reason why people stop at green lights and blow through the red ones also eludes my little brain.

I sat next to a great English kid at the soccer game today. Probably about 10 with a thick Manchester accent, at his first professional football game he’s seen in the States, he was impressed with the fans, not much of the play. His dad was happily drunk and his mom was keeping an eye out for both of them. We had a good 2 hour relationship and every minute was well spent, showing up alone to places where you’re bound to make friends is a great thing about this world.

Plantimals are my new little passion, got me a sundew, butterwort and a pitcher plant for good measure.  

Despite popular rumor, summer’s making quite a pleasant appearance in Portland, perhaps the season will drag its feet into autumn and damn the calendars and clocks.

If the women in my neighborhood don’t start staying home instead of strolling around and distracting my driving, there may be citations, the swapping of insurance information or, most likely, an ambulance coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha.

Timbers Rule

My little city has a big soccer team. If I could write anything decent, I would start by trying to describe the pure camaraderie and sense of community I feel every time I attend a home match. It’s an absolute workout while watching, an emotional assault and lovely spectacle of outspoken dedication and furious desire. This is the audience, I’m referring to.

It’s overwhelming being a part of this effort to cheer this great team, this team that has been in this city for as long as I can remember, but now playing on the highest level in the nation, the whole operation nearly brings tears to my eyes.

Football is truly, one of THE greatest sports on the planet, the most universally understood and beautifully played, and my god, the Portland Timbers Football Club makes me want to burn, destroy, wreck and kill.

I mean, you are my sunshine.

162 Game Season? Nope.

As most know in Portland, our local soccer club has just become a Major League Soccer team. Much to the chagrin of baseball fans citywide, the beloved Civic Stadium is now a “soccer only” park and while the era of Portland’s minor league baseball went the way of the bygones, it’s important to note that baseball as a global sport is only popular in the United States, Latin America, Dominican Republic and Japan. Soccer, however, transcends economic castes and world geography to engage everyone on the planet, not just the folks in North and South America.

If you want baseball, try watching a cricket match. That’s how this soccer fan feels after 9 innings of the national pastime.

Timbers’ home opener on the 14th of April is coming and I’m happy to report there still ain’t No Pity In The Rose City.

Comics, Politics, Kneecaps

It took about a half second to realize my patella suddenly snapped over to the side of my leg and then crunched back in place as I drew back to kick a soccer ball. Dislocated my kneecap while bending it like Ronaldo and the mad game of soccer should be left to children and athletes.

Has the whole world gone completely off the deep end? Is there an anti-fertility drug that would prevent certain citizens from reproducing another generation of mongoloid offspring that still believe life didn’t start until Adam met Eve? How do they explain dinosaurs? Ask Bill.

What’s that you say? The word “mongoloid” is offensive? “Mulatto, Oriental, Christmas” is now “Mixed, Asian, and “Non Religious Celebration of the Winter Solstice”. Ask George about all that.

I don’t know a darn thing about relationships and know less about women but I’m pretty confident that marriage may be one of the 7 gates of hell. I’ll have to get back to that one later though Sam has some ideas worth hearing.

Is there any more of a cliche personality than the philandering politician? South Carolina guvy is worldwide in his exploits, about time someone took it to the international level of adultery. Is the Chandra Levy case solved yet? Back east politicians tend to do more openly wretched and violent things to their interns and staffers. Here in the great Northwest we have lovers, like the Idaho toilet creep who toe-tapped men beneath lavatory stalls, or my own hometown favorite, senator Bob “Gimmie some whiskey and sit on my lap” Packwood. Ol’ Bob had 26 women in line to testify against him and his grotesque libido. Usually if one person complains about something that means at least 10 more people felt the same way but didn’t say anything. That’s a lot of pantsuits and tweed skirts to roam for Mr. Packwood.

Oregon also boasts one Neil “I bought you a Snoopy Sno-Cone machine so sit on my lap” Goldschmidt who rose the ranks of local politics all the way to governor and had already finished his term before his affair with a 14 year old during his stint as mayor in the 1970’s was broke. You’re mayor of a city and all you can woo is a teenager? If I had the word “mayor” stamped on my stationary I would have at least swooped someone who could cast a vote for me.

Today they are pushing for a recall for the present Portland mayor who, when on the campaign trail fooled around with a barely 18 year old man while being in his 40’s. More fodder for the miniature minds attached to mouths belching “moral outrage.”

I hope we all agree that fooling around will always be better than missing women and bodies in the river.

My knee is swollen mush and thank goodness for dead comics and the cads of NW politics.

The Bailout And Men’s Balls

Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe a sports team is the dumbest waste of money since the current financial bailout? I love sports but the dough involved is almost a social inequity so vast that it borders on absolute evil.


Will AIG still sponsor Manchester United and will Ford still keep their name on the witless Detroit Lions’ field? What about Citigroup’s $400 million sign on the new Mets stadium? Taxpayer money is lining two kinds of parachutes. Hope mine works after I hurl off the ledge of the Dow Jones building. Will a trillion dollars get them a trophy other than some spray-tan bimbo whose little rat-dog eats better than children in most countries?


Sports and entertainment keep the minds of the masses off the economy and will undoubtedly flourish during such dire times.


Go to a play, see a show, a band, a film, dance, drink, be merry like the ’20’s. Go to a game, a bout, a match. No problems here, no old school/old money politics or vile financial corruption happening here, and we got this new guy to take the heat. It is the Year of the Bull, after all. And we all know what comes from bulls.

People, Language, Drinks and Goals

Met a very cool kid who valets motorbikes across the street from my hotel. We talked for awhile and he taught me quite a bit of Vietnamese vocabulary because if a local knows you’re trying, then they are happy to teach you. That’s the kindness and curiosity that makes these people so beautiful.

Shot some pool, drank some coffee, jonesed for cigarettes.

The other night I was walking the streets and saw huge crowds of people gathered around cafes and restaurants that had televisions. I figured that many of the people didn’t have cable TV at home so from the unlit street they cheer and yell and it’s a soccer party all over town.