Grin > Chagrin

From seeing them together on the street to sharing great company with new girls, from bringing cheer to a dark hospital to painting on a smile while making drinks…

Every face I peel over this skull is determined to win the moment, every persona I deliver to every different room either fuels my desire to distract which feeds my spirit or drains a little bit of my blood and soul away. Every time.

The smile you see means one of two things: either it’s genuine in its foolishness and happiness or it’s a cloak and a dagger masking my eye roll and exasperation.

I’ve heard that a fresh eye roll is a delicious type of sushi. Or is it a pastry? I can never remember.

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Red Flags and Black Hearts

Red flags have waved me in like airplane marshallers for as long as I can remember. My need to “save” those who seemed to need it drove me into more devastatingly interesting situations than I can recall.

I’ve learned that the more you try to fix someone, save someone or think that you’re the answer to their problems, the more you become part of their flaw, their reason for failure, and soon you begin giving yourself away to feed someone else’s insane self destruction.

I’ve also realized that with that sort of negative co-dependency your own madness becomes tangible, you begin to see your own faults coming to light and now you may have to assess them. Which can be enlightening but it also may bear more weight than one can successfully carry.

I cannot refuse a good red flag. They’re usually so intriguing and weird and damaged and tragic but most of all,  beautiful. Most importantly, they can also hurt you. A lot. They’re dangerous to your soul and emotions and unless you’re very carefully guarded or wrap your heart in wrought iron, embracing red flags for more than just a tryst or a fling may be asking for more dark trouble than you can imagine.

What better way to accentuate your own perilous tendencies than to find someone who matches them? What better way to embrace your own harrowing personality than by finding someone who can either nurture you or outpace your transgressions?

Still, despite months of therapy and years of common sense, my radar for red flags is still on high alert and unfortunately I may be doomed to only find solace in those who tempt my attention by destroying everything in their path.

Infernal Internet

I want to atone for my huge lack in judgement by posting anything on the internet that was in poor taste or exhibited negative light towards….

It will never occur again and it makes me sick with regret that it ever happened at all.

It was fueled by emotions and I now have those emotions in check.

I don’t want pity or special treatment, I just want you to know how I’m feeling and I was informed by professionals that it was best if I spoke with you about it.

I also apologize personally to you because I know it upset you greatly and please know that I am sincere in my desire to rectify my mistakes and assure you that nothing like this will ever happen again. I honestly am sorry.

I want….to be an effortless, beautiful place where love, fun and laughter dress the day and where back biting and petty drama fall by the wayside.

Binaca And A Bic

I was recently informed that many times the utterances that escape my mouth are of the negative nature, mostly in the form of snide complaints in an exasperated tone. Instead of being positive and productive with my observations, they say my verbal frustration with the world is merely attention getting from being emotional underdeveloped. Those to whom I spoke with also let it be known that I needed to start looking at myself and asking why I love to gripe while everyone else seems to carry on with smiles like Laverne & Shirley skipping down the street. Now instead of bellyaching I just carry a can of Binaca and a Bic as my opening sentence to all the workplace analysts and park bench know-it-alls.

And here I thought the title was about someone named Bianca.

Toys Will Be Toys

For some reason, I love being surrounded by contraptions. Remote controls, cell phones (actually, I don’t like cell phones), iphones, ipods, and my icommode is coming in the mail. My camera, which I love, is an incomprehensible gadget that will take great photos once I figure out how it works.

There are also nifty things I have yet to find a need for, like TiVo, new programs on the PC, miniature game stations, remote car starters, light turn-onners, fridge openers, and automatic snack dispensers. I’m not that lazy, yet. All these wonderful electronic amenities are designed to make my life simpler and more convenient, right? Right.

I’m sure there is a psychological complex that defines why people need to have little things that whir and buzz, things that shine and light up, things that make us rulers over our technological masses, I just hope they figure all that out after Christmas.

Or World Holiday Day. I’ll call it whatever they want as long as I get some filthy swag that has an LCD display. Though a painting or a nice plumb bob are perfectly fine gifts, too.