8.9 Reasons To Run Inland

Back a few (quite a few) years ago, I saw a documentary about the Ring of Fire on a massive IMAX movie screen and was quite amazed at the sheer beauty and power this world displays on a daily basis. But sometimes with awe and amazement come violent outbursts and sudden destruction that changes the lives of people forever in a completely different way.

Diagnosis: Media Diversion Flu

Bird flu pandemic sweeps the globe. Monkey pox is the deadliest of diseases. Protect your children. Buy duct tape now. West Nile, Dengue Fever, HIV, watch out folks, it’s in the water, buy bottles of Coke or Pepsi-produced water now.

American Swine Flu is an ailment that affects the pigs across the nation, those who ravage the dollar menus of fast food joints and who just open the bottom part of the Pringles can so it can easily empty down their throats.

Everytime all the news networks jump on the media bandwagon of fear-reporting, the paranoia blitzkreig only means that big-time things are happening in the news we aren’t being told about. That darn First Ammendment goes both ways.

Oink.

Sodium Benzoate, Yum

Linked to hyperactivity and asinine behavior in kids, this food preservative might be a clue to cut back on the ADD drugs and push some food other than hot pockets and soda pop.

Food additives. Factory jobs. Living near industrial plants. The three major causes to all the major ailments that drug companies and medical researchers like to say they’re trying to fix.

Sodium Benzoate is the tip of the rock of what could be making our children uncontrollable and our mothers and fathers undergo radiation, chemo and organ transplants.

Coke really is it.

Sexting In America

Apparently, cyberbullying is out and sexting is in and you would think that spreading love instead of hate would be a good thing.

I was around 9 or 10 when I showed the neighbor girl my little lizard and she showed me her little muffin. I don’t know how normal that was but I’m glad I wasn’t hauled in for coercion, it was after all, my idea to meet by the bushes on the side of the house.

When I was a kid I did crazy things and luckily I was reasonably smart enough to know when to draw the line. But regardless of environment and influences, growing up will always be a constant roll of the dice for parents and children.

I read that teenagers caught sending or keeping racy pictures of each other via cell phone (“sexting“) may be slapped with child pornography charges. I don’t know whether to laugh or weep. Can we seriously use the same laws against those we’re trying to protect?

Can anyone define “racy” or “offensive”? Is it a lesser crime if it’s semi nudity? What if dirty words are attached? Let’s say the family dog was in the background, does Fido deem some horrible bestiality charge as well? Will any of this be graded on a curve?

Have we gotten to the point with our kids where since we can’t relate with them on a technological level we quit trying on an emotional one? So instead of having a conversation about pre-maritel sex or how stupid it is to take a picture of your hoo-ha and send it to all your friends, we’ll just give them criminal records and label them sex offenders? I guess that’ll learn ’em real good.

We all knew the boys in school who had to fight everybody. We all knew the girls in school who were easy. We all know now it was because they had self-image issues that caused such behavior. It’s actually quite natural because aside from some extreme cases, they usually turn out to be normal, regular everyday people.

Kids are going to make-out in the 6th grade. Kids are going to sneak out of the house at 15. Kids at that age are also going to “sext” (what a stupid word) each other whether we spank them, ground them, or legislate ridiculously dangerous laws against them. Don’t make talking with them a last resort. Roll them bones with confidence and have faith in your kids.

It must be nice to be a teenager and set all this precedence in front of administrators and lawmakers who might actually benefit from a little sexting themselves. All the while making parents crazy on numerous levels.

Arthur, Bernard, Ethel, Hazel?

Speculation is a crazy thing. Crazy white trash is even more dangerous than speculation. I’m trying not to watch too much TV while I enjoy the waning days of loafing in the tropics, but this poor little dead girl from Florida (what is it with Florida?) and her mom and grandparents are all now a part of an avoidable, deranged, voyeuristic episode of a family’s ruin. I respect the value of life and feel absolutely terrible about what happened to that poor Florida toddler. Who did that to her really isn’t what’s important, what is important is that we appreciate the beauty children give us in spite of how humans can be some pretty rotten animals.

But will someone explain to me why this is news? Not to be callous or begrudging towards people’s whose lives are laden with tragedy, but is there not a war going on where many people are dying every day but somehow that doesn’t warrant a news flash? Old news, I suppose. This gross horror is new news.

Who names their kid Caylee, anyway? Hailey, Caitlyn, Madison, Brooklyn, Mackenzie, Brianna, these were all names of porn stars in the 1980’s and ’90’s, believe me, I know. A lot of my friends are into that sort of stuff. Why have these become some of the most popular names for today’s American daughter? Oh, the questions I have and the answers I don’t!

I would also hate to leave out those fine individuals that name their offspring after adult beverages and luxury items, “Prada” and “Hennessey” being my favorites. Nothing makes me happier than living in a land where we can name our children things like “Peaches” and “Honey” or “Nevaeh” and “Adolf Hitler“, because it’s testimony to American individual choice, personal freedom, and if you don’t like the name (or anything else) then you can just throw the babies away and get some high-powered lawyers, a tabloid photo spread and your very own Movie of the Week.