– visiting dead uncles still attached by technology, distancing yet listening, detached from my mom’s oncology –
This unruly universe has a razor on which its decisions are made. Sometimes it chooses a sudden, delicate yet brash conception that wails into this world hungry, wet and magnificent, other times it’s a quick and brutal plucking of our family from our unwitting grips, leaving us humble, dizzy and vengeful.
We succeed. We own. We lose. We teach. We work. We enjoy. We die.
There is no reasoning with a razor, only the awareness that such an edge exists. Like a horse not quite broken or a lover not yet trusted, its natural action is one that somehow always makes sense regardless of its seeming indifference.
Paralyzed larynx, anaphylactic shock,
All we did was go for a walk
my buddy was having a ball
running up and down downtown blocks.
Panic occurs in degrees.
When my dog drops and seizes,
Panting and frothing, eyes dying to breathe
is when I’m frantic and on my knees.
Cold towels, tears and prayers were all I had. And he used them all to barely escape the woods.
When the sweat reaches its peak and you’re freezing on the sofa and your head is full of sickness and swill, when your skin is burning and lips are chapped and bleeding and the only sound you can make is a groan that only the dog hears, be glad you don’t live a hundred years ago. Because you’d probably be dead soon. Or maybe that’s a good thing.
Spending half a week with a filthy fever that wrestled itself inside my body and hid for a month before finally careening up my bloodstream is no way to spend a crisp November. When it swallowed my face and infected my very core and soul, this insipid little bastard of a cold had the gall to make me look like a slouch in front of my fairly new job. The same job that has seen me call in sick more times in my first 3 months than I did during the last 5 years of my previous job. Funny how perception of your person can vary wildly among those you barely know.
3 colds in 5 weeks and this last dirty doozy had me seeing dreams when I wasn’t sure if I was even sleeping. The hallucinations of glasswork people and broken conversations permeated me as if I were a glistening piece of rotten gristle, the strange warmth and slow liquid whim of my body attempting to restore its core temperature had me trembling and weak but somehow strangely calm and resigned. I kept feeling like a pig on a spit as I kept turning over, struggling for breath through a clogged, yet dripping nose. I soon didn’t care how sick I had become, I just laid there for a few days and groaned like a weird factory machine.
Fever broke, mostly better, now. No thanks to whatever scumbag whose infected breath I smelled or whatever soiled doorknob I turned just before digging up my nostril.
The best thing about having swine flu a filthy cold is the groggy (and justifiable) wanton consumption of little bottles of Nyquil. A pile of empties strewn about the bedroom and my drooling face caked in green pillowcase stains…oh yeah. Being sick can sometimes be great.
One of the many friends I made while tending bar was one that guaranteed me to not make any more for quite awhile. Just make sure the bartending academy teaches you how to convince people that your strange, molting lizard fingers are perfectly safe to run through girls’ hair.
Had a heavy death go down in the family today. Somehow these 31 seconds made me forget all about it.
Whatever happened to radon? Still coming out of the dirt? What about flesh-eating disease, mad cow, bird flu, monkey pox, SARS, anthrax? OCD, ADD, PTSD, CANCER, fiber still good for me? What about bran? Is it Nutrasweet or Sweet & Low that gives me tumors? Saccharin? Oh. Whole wheat, fortified, free range, trans-fats, carbs, poly unsaturated, I can’t keep up. Product recalls, cell phone brain tumors, SPF 95, preservatives, is it hypo-allergenic because I’m lactose intolerant, no peanuts, no eggs, no bread, no red meat, no alcohol, well, maybe a glass of red wine a day.
Tell me why I’m sick and then tell me how to get better.
Oh. A couple of pills, huh? Sweet.