How much gin does it take to bury the past? How much whiskey does it take to drown the present? How much day drinking will it take to change the future and how much longer can this go on?
Lots. And not long.
The decisions we lightly make sometimes have dire consequence while the decisions we’ve been contemplating our entire lives sometimes change very little around us.
We must be convicted in ourselves and bear no responsibility upon anyone else for our happiness. We must continue to enjoy those who make us smile and inspire us to be great while being true to ourselves.
Initially, this was a test of will and discipline, a perpetual balance of rage and sorrow, an internal war between my wild spirit and my sense and reason that tore my insides up as if a molten screw were slowly boring into my chest.
Rode that black bike beyond reckless. Half suicidal and pushing each moment like a big red button connected to a nuclear bomb. So I had to get rid of it or I would have become crinkled skin and broken bones like the ashes from the past year and a half.
Now that I’ve been reminded of the beauty that is in this world I’ve been voracious in finding its explanations. Searching and devouring, tentative but wanting to be wanton in swallowing everything that isn’t bolted down. Learning and absorbing gal pals and dude friends, everyone that brings smiles, wisdom and inspiration to this silly man will earn dividends of his love and loyalty.
Cannot not love again. Cannot not trust again.
Must love the women who love me.
Must trust the friends who know me.
The true love of a good woman and the confidence of a great friend is absolutely worth the heavy hell of heartbreak and betrayal.
I forgive but cannot forget. I love but cannot care. I had what I could not keep and wish for what I still do not know.