Oh my goodness give me wisdom! My wayward ways have led me slightly off the mark, how I long for insight, fuel and fire for introspection. With you in town I realize my fortune, with you in my corner I become invincible.
Red flags have waved me in like airplane marshallers for as long as I can remember. My need to “save” those who seemed to need it drove me into more devastatingly interesting situations than I can recall.
I’ve learned that the more you try to fix someone, save someone or think that you’re the answer to their problems, the more you become part of their flaw, their reason for failure, and soon you begin giving yourself away to feed someone else’s insane self destruction.
I’ve also realized that with that sort of negative co-dependency your own madness becomes tangible, you begin to see your own faults coming to light and now you may have to assess them. Which can be enlightening but it also may bear more weight than one can successfully carry.
I cannot refuse a good red flag. They’re usually so intriguing and weird and damaged and tragic but most of all, beautiful. Most importantly, they can also hurt you. A lot. They’re dangerous to your soul and emotions and unless you’re very carefully guarded or wrap your heart in wrought iron, embracing red flags for more than just a tryst or a fling may be asking for more dark trouble than you can imagine.
What better way to accentuate your own perilous tendencies than to find someone who matches them? What better way to embrace your own harrowing personality than by finding someone who can either nurture you or outpace your transgressions?
Still, despite months of therapy and years of common sense, my radar for red flags is still on high alert and unfortunately I may be doomed to only find solace in those who tempt my attention by destroying everything in their path.
I want to atone for my huge lack in judgement by posting anything on the internet that was in poor taste or exhibited negative light towards….
It will never occur again and it makes me sick with regret that it ever happened at all.
It was fueled by emotions and I now have those emotions in check.
I don’t want pity or special treatment, I just want you to know how I’m feeling and I was informed by professionals that it was best if I spoke with you about it.
I also apologize personally to you because I know it upset you greatly and please know that I am sincere in my desire to rectify my mistakes and assure you that nothing like this will ever happen again. I honestly am sorry.
I want….to be an effortless, beautiful place where love, fun and laughter dress the day and where back biting and petty drama fall by the wayside.
The breath she steals and the glances she shoots quickly sweep across the room like random death and feels like a slap on bare skin or the fierce blow of a blast furnace.
Asks me to take her, own her, smother, pull her hair like a mad, torn lover, from behind she pushes against me and she juts out, lithe and sultry, and I struggle to keep my hands off her. Pin her down and push the moan from her lungs and I’m fighting every impulse not to tear into every inch of her writhing body. Like a sleek reptile dipped in a reckless river, she is the purest animal reacting to a ravaging, primitive human action.
My mouth cannot stop trying to swallow her lips, I’m doomed to be indentured by her eyes, power and slithering hips.
Aggression gives way to concession as it becomes key to salvation from her keen insight, her sharp, poignant answers and observations that leave most in the dust. Her age is a number distant and arbitrary and despite being unable to ignore the arithmetic, I relax knowing that math has never been my best subject.
Now, I’m all set to go. I have ten days to pack a small bag. I’m planning to leave the Chinese painting on glass that I got from you. It’s too much trouble to lug around. I’ll find a good home for it so that I can visit it once in a while. I already left my vase in Jinan ten years ago, and I don’t know what happened to my other possession, an Olympus film camera. So, when I get home I’ll be down to you and Roo, if that’s all right with you and Roo.
I’m going to miss China, but I can console myself with plans for returning someday. At the same time I’m getting quite happy thinking about seeing you and doing a bunch of things worth doing in Oregon, like breathing clean air! I’m planning to become great buddies with Roo, taking her to the park when you’re at work.
These are the things I hope to do:
Writing one hundred Chinese characters every morning.
Doing some kind of service such as your reading to and befriending hospital patients.
Learning something on an ongoing basis, such as Vietnamese cooking or bonsai cultivation.
Exercising in a gym or pool regularly. Participating in sweats at a sweat lodge or a sauna.
Learning how to juice fruits and vegetables and cleanse the body.
Visiting “family” and Frederico and Scott regularly on a weekly basis, which will take months to do.
Practice yoga and bliss, and finding an educational t.v. station or dvd or website to practice & improve my yoga.
Helping turn Roo into an assured and serene pooch.
Playing in a T-ball league with seniors or little kids.
The hutong in Beijing is an amazing array of old buildings built side by side down narrow streets that used to be residential neighborhoods but now largely house retail shops and a stunning selection of unique eateries.
An ancient maze now met with youth and cutting edge design, buildings hundreds of years old are now gleaming with electronics and pop music blares from the intricate wood structures. The crowds of people are shoulder to shoulder, mixed with foreigners and Chinese, from morning to dark all strolling and gawking, it was truly an endless parade of shoppers, schleppers and tourists who never stop.
The rarity of these neighborhoods is apparent as the destruction of them gives way to the construction of larger roads and buildings though they are being preserved best as possible as one can see. But in a city as ancient as Beijing, it’s impossible not to see something old being razed for something new every day in every neighborhood.
Such is a legacy. Such is progress.
I had a dream that I burned your name in rubber in the middle of Burnside with my motorbike but it was all distorted and no one could read it so all the bystanders thought I was nuts. All I could smell was tire smoke and your hair in the morning and I went crazy in my head while waking crazy in my bed.
No matter how the time passes or how we hide the pain that’s happened, there will always be the mad beauty that held us together and that’s how I choose for us to be forever remembered.