The vessel in which you travel disguises your true intent.
The fact of the matter unravels
that what you said you never meant.
With this particularly awful turmoil that has embroiled me this past month, I have come to realize that the sheer number of people who care about me is immeasurable. I neither understand it or deserve it but when those who know me come out to show me that they truly care about me and love me, my life just becomes richer and more glorious. I’m charmed beyond description, my heart has won so many past lovers and present friends that my support is tremendous. It makes me terribly sad but also quite elated that I had to be so out of sorts to see that I am loved by so many people. When the darkest moments swallowed me whole I somehow felt like I had an army at my back. I will never take that for granted or forget how valuable you people are. Ever.
This beautiful fortune also allows me to continue to love those who choose to hurt me. Absolutely and unconditionally.
First day of summer this year came numb and quiet like how I escape a room and when no one interesting is around.
This life is so weird. So quick to change and turn on you, unpredictable and unprecedented, nature will devour you or embrace you, if you’re lucky you’ll feel a little of both.
I once told a woman that I felt better being alone because that was the only way I knew how to be. Comfortably. Then I realized by watching my father’s nobility towards my mother and saw that despite relationships not being clearly defined by how society measures success, a union of love will always be that. Love. Alone or not.
My best friend as I was growing up had parents that gave kids refuge both in their home and in their hearts, it was an unconditional respite from whatever was troubling us back then. As I was forging my adolescence through the darkness of sickness and death, I found myself under the wing of my friend’s father and his influence and wisdom brought me from the edge of certain indelible mistakes that has plagued many a boy far better than I. He overwhelmingly helped make me the somewhat charming and fun guy before you today.
First day of this particular summer is the day marked for fathers. All that I’ve learned from the men that love me gives me an absolute and beautiful power that seems to grow with every day, every decision and every relationship.
The love in being alone or with someone is love I’ve learned from mothers and fathers. But today, the first day of summer is the first day of something I’ve been practicing for forever.
Regret, resentment or anger will never be a part of my vocabulary when it comes to her. Only vision and potential. I choose to remember the sheer beauty, wild laughter and spontaneous recklessness to define our relationship. The purest moments of my self were brought out by her and for that, I will never disparage her, us, or the time we shared.
These two talking about Game of Thrones and spewing about who’s dying and who’s screwing and what-the-what and I’m thinking, man, I haven’t been able to physically watch the damn show since the ex-girlfriend, so would you both kindly stop talking and ruining things I’m still unable to sit in front of? Can you not see this by the look on my horrified face and the way I’m saying “la la la la la la,” while you’re yakking spoilers all over the place? God!
First rule of counseling: No one is responsible for the way you feel except you. YOU. No one else. You can blame others and trace origins of anxiety, you can deduce reasons why you are the way you are and why you’re not happy but no one has anything to do with it and no one can do anything about it except you.
This last month during which I was frantically trying to mend my broken heart was an absolute physical and mental breakdown that quite possibly may have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I can’t believe I wrote that. How can every fiber in my body ache and the darkness in my chest possibly be a good thing? Ugh. I threw away as much as I lost and I will never be the same since that relationship. That upheaval was a catalyst to encourage me to really look inside myself and work on the years of repression and pain I’ve been carrying around for so long.
Behind this smile lies a lot of discovery yet to be seen, behind these tears lies a man finally addressing himself, how to correctly carry himself and how to properly treat the world around him.
Puffy, quilted jackets are on nearly every body during January in Beijing. Dumplings billow steam clouds over sidewalks and the chatter of pedestrians is like background music. The motorbikes have quilted arm covers, like sweaters on the handlebars. It’s a “clear” day which means the sky is cloudless but there is this hazy coat of smog that looms across the sky, making the sun look like a fuzzy orange ball hanging against grey gauze.
It’s noticeable how collected and driven most of the people are, places to go, things to do. The traffic is mostly composed of either shiny new cars mostly German, clean and free of dents, or dirty, industrial trucks, mostly Korean. My god, there’s a lot of people. Coming from a tucked-away American city with barely 600,000 people to brag about is hardly a city at all compared to this. The underground rail is one of the most advanced, easy to use and beautiful feats of engineering ever. To be so organized and efficient with so many bodies to accommodate is testimony that this country is so far ahead of the rest of the world which foreigners will never realize until they witness it for themselves.