Her kindness was met with cold distance and as he wrestled with his need to travel abroad he chose to sever her hands that reached to him unconditionally. The confusion that met him at each corner and moment was his distorted fuel that fed the strength to let her go, his theory of moving freely overseas outweighed the present relationship that had dissolved into a bizarre friendship. One where intimacy was all but gone, her fragile patience was propped up by one weak leg which she hated, living through his unclear vision and perpetual indecisiveness was the heaviest load she had ever carried for someone else. Inadvertently she had been living for him, not accounting for her own needs and it harbored in her seething belly, rank with frustration that devoured her soul.
The artist feared for his life. His youth, now waning, reminded him that his affection for this young woman had grown immeasurably out of his control and his unhappiness stemmed from his inability to recognize what he truly wanted. They sought counseling, petitioned each other’s friends for input but in the end it was his devastating decision to leave her.
He would lay beside her but be far removed, he would feel her breathing but not swallow it the way he used to. The passion dissolved into perfunctory performance and his sexuality became a cold alien, though his love for her was becoming more and more a mystery, he knew in his heart there was no one else for him. If only he knew how to address such circumstances, if only he had garnered enough knowledge from his past to communicate with her, to let her in, he may have saved her from countless hours of frustration and confusion.
His listless spirit was fed by his mother’s history and his strange familiarity with her foreign land. His fear of leading the young woman on if he went and sought refuge in France, his fear of feeling obligated to the United States once he left its borders, fears on top of fears built like walls closing him off from the outside world. Nights he couldn’t leave the house, as hard as he tried, he couldn’t leave, his fear was insurmountable and his pride was shrunk to the point of terrible frustration.
He still lies in the bed, alongside his damned situation, unable, unwilling to make a change.
June 8 2013