Lascivious For Cheese

Predating modern history, one of my favorite things on earth has no agreed upon origin, no real geographical birthplace, probably a couple of stone age stoners who happened upon the milk of their livestock after it had separated, curdled and soured into something that they just had to taste. Luckily, some of it was remarkable and delicious. 

Cheese is some of the best food on this big, blue marble. I absolutely love it to the point of dreams and nightmares.

Light bodied and sweet like a Robiola Bosina or a sultry, stinky, cave-aged Camebert, I love ’em. What’s a better sheep’s cheese than Manchego? Etorki. Though some would say Pecorino or Roncal. I love ’em all. Goat, Cow, Buffalo, Rat, if rats made cheese, I’d probably eat it. And so would you if it tasted good. Apparently a 1997 Sangiovese will make anything desirable. Back to cheese. I’ve even been known to eat a Kraft Single slice once. Or twice. Laughing Cow wheels, Tillamook baby loaves, those big mozzarella balls, cheese is cheese is cheese. Good, bad, it’s like pizza or sex, even when it’s not very good, it’s still kind of ok. I’ve packed bleu cheese crumbles into my lip like a big chaw of toe-backy, I once sat and inhaled a large slab of black wax Gouda while watching a Farelly Brothers movie. Easily.

I believe my love affair with cheese started as a small child with the ooh-la-la la vache qui rit. Middle school was the sickening discovery of 7-11 nacho cheese but it was in high school when a girl showed me the filthiest, most trailer park sandwich I’d ever witnessed in creation. It was two pieces of white bread slathered in mayonnaise, sliced cheddar in the middle, wrapped in a paper towel and thrown into the microwave for about 45 seconds. It was so gross but so melty good and I’ve made plenty of them since.

Package it however you want, fancy in wax and a washed rind or humble like a peel-apart string cheese wrapper, or even a moist and freshly nuked paper towel, it doesn’t matter. Because what’s inside just tastes so good.  

It gives me tremendous pleasure to be a human among other humans enjoying wonderful and fun things, varied and interesting things, small things and grandiose things. Cheese is all of that and more but most importantly, it just tastes so stupid good.

note: Thanks to dude at the local trendy deli for hipping me to some international cheese. Unsurprisingly, he had little sense of humor when he heard about my microwaved white trash sandwich.

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