What Would Danzig Do?

Real life video TV shows have always attracted me. A closet fetish for handicam concrete pratfalls and crotches being split by metal handrails, skateboards, diving boards, trampolines and parachutes, injuries and collisions go hand in hand with my hand in the cheetos bag. I do, however, have trouble enjoying the programs where they show security camera footage of violent criminals doing terrible things to people who merely went to work that day. For the most part though, give me some bloopers and dumb people doing harm to themselves and I’m all smiles.

One of the great pioneers is the show where the police chase people who are “innocent ’till proven guilty” (I got news for you, if they’re innocent they wouldn’t be running) and it’s arguably the lowest denominator of entertainment, even the name of the show is a bare-bones joke: “Cops”. That might be why I love it. I enjoy watching people who aren’t me (but could’ve been, long ago) getting harassed by the the poe-leese. Reminds me to continue being an upstanding citizen.

I realize that watching television programs of this nature will turn my brain to oatmeal but I’m getting too old and far beyond help.

Television fashion is especially high with reality shows where a camera crew follows people around while they do inane things like yell at their mother or make out with their neighbor. Often these episodes conclude with debauchery involving malt beverages or appletinis. For those of you who don’t know, a “malt beverage” is a euphemism for “girlie wine cooler bottled with a liquor brand name”.

I have briefly witnessed one of the most inflammatory TV programs which mix both the premise of videotapes of violent criminals and reality tv filled with bimbos. It’s some cranked up, hidden camera, we’re-going- to-stage-this-horrible-situation-and-watch- you-flounder show. This show secretly tapes normal folks and their reactions when faced with, for example, a guy beating up his girlfriend in the park, or a store clerk using racial epithets at customers or a mom breastfeeding a homeless guy at a bus stop and then see how the bystanders would react. Would they intervene? Ignore it and go about their business? Are they cowardly lions or John Rambo? It’s a mix of candid camera and shocking videos and people react differently at different times to different things so the show proves nothing. It’s flashy tabloid palaver, it’s as if a network executive stuffed a camera up your colon and then shoved David Duke and Al Sharpton up behind it to throw down in your lower intestine for all of America. “What Would You Do?”

I think the real question is “What Would Danzig Do?” Kick both their asses for being their own worst enemy and an embarrassment to everyone.

Danzig would then sacrifice a lamb (chops and gyros) and write in blood on John Quinones’ face: “Stop Thinking Like Geraldo, Your Crappy Show Is Not Insightful”. Then he’d have dinner while watching Cops with the rest of the country.


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