Cold Weather Crap Watch, 2008!


He was conceived during an autumn around the same time Puzo’s masterpiece became Americana, Tony Iommi developed the riff to revitalize an icon, Americans were paying the way for Chile’s Pinochet and a White House Dick was poring over how to salvage grace while plummeting from it.

After a wonderful union that resulted in such a bittersweet creation, he was raised in the northwest corner of the United States for the better part of 3 decades. Like a skinny Douglas Fir, he grew up swaying in the breeze, impervious to rain and thriving in cold, damp, windy winters and warm, showery, and at times, scorching summers.

Presently, this bucktooth, flat-tailed river rodent is spending his days and nights a few degrees closer to the equator, which allows him to swim in rooftop pools at 9 in the morning and not have to wear socks or long pants for months at a time.

All the while his hometown is in the grips of a “Deep Freeze Whiteout”, “Arctic Winter Smash”, or “Santa’s Shitstorm ’08” or whatever the local news calls a week of frigid temperatures where kids throw ice balls at the frostbitten homeless beneath park benches only to offer them hot soup afterwards in accordance with their community service conditions.

ha-long-bay2Oddly enough, part of said local traveler would love to be writing his name in the snow and laments not being able to enjoy the serene chill of quiet snowy nights but that particular individual is being soundly bamboo caned behind the poolside tiki bar as we speak.


4 responses to “Cold Weather Crap Watch, 2008!

  1. One of the weather people on the radio called it “Snowmageddon!” The madness that has gripped this place is incredible. Nobody went to work yesterday, except about 10 of the 40 or so people I work with.

    Then the ultimate happened: Yesterday morning at about 5:00, right at the beginning of the heavy stuff, there was thunder for those of us awake to hear it. The news people went wild with it all day, and I must have heard the term “Thundersnow” about a thousand times. Loons, to the last man.

    Love this one:

    “where kids throw ice balls at the frostbitten homeless beneath park benches only to offer them hot soup afterwards in accordance with their community service conditions.”

  2. Andy:

    Thanks for the accolades, friend. I love the holidays, and it might look like a white Christmas for you guys. But I surely don’t miss those armies of media pea brains that are constantly reminding us of things that we can find out for ourselves by either looking at a calender or out the damn window. “Yep, it looks cold out there.” You’re doing well braving it. Thundersnow? That’s rich, man, Electroflurries, Lightning Blizzard, we could go all day. Would be pretty neat to hear that, though. What if you made a bunch of fake reports about seeing shooting stars, northern lights and a pack a moose with all that snow? Wonder what they would call it. It’s almost to that point.


    Yes, admittedly I am in the warmest place I’ve ever been and it’s bizarre to hear of such a winter wonderland going on the year I’m overseas. It is sweet here, though. Like sugah.

  3. I love trick photography, but how did you get that street and trees mixed in with the harbor scene?

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